I just looked at my “To-Do” list from yesterday while setting my coffee mug down and flipping open my laptop, and noticed I accomplished less than half of what I was planning to, but I am okay with that, because I didn’t write down the most important task, although it is the easiest to forget, yet seemingly ridiculous to write down, it is to remember to just be.

**Monday afternoon chill time with my girl Guinness.**

Last week I came down with a screaming case of the Should’s.

I was content with how my race at IM Indian Wells, 70.3 turned out, there are parts to improve on, of course, but the entire weekend was a lot of fun, and I performed just fine for not really being at the top of my fitness and mental prep, so it wasn’t the race itself that bummed me out, it was the timing, the beginning of December, the last month of a very disappointing year.

All week I felt like I was trapped in an action movie, playing the role of the hero or villain, being chased all over a shipyard, with no sense of direction except to escape, and just keep running, frantic to get away, until I reached the edge of the dock, and barely stopping my momentum before plunging into the water. Suddenly, I have a choice, I can turn around to surrender to the enemies barreling down on me, or jump off the edge in front of me.

Neither seems like a pleasant option, or even a correct decision.

**Telling the truth on Taryn's Triathlon Time.**

It felt like all of my expectations for 2019, and every other year behind and ahead of me, finally tracked me down. I had been staying out of sight, or just slightly in front of them the last eleven months, but they were right behind me now, close enough to hear their heavy hooves stomp at my heels, and feel their hot breath on my neck.

I should be a successful producer by now! I should be working somewhere full time! I should be a professional triathlete! I should be booking speaking gigs! I should have more than two “nice” outfits in my closet! I should be able to enjoy a few drinks! I should write more! I should work out less! I should appreciate what I‘ve done! I should let go of the past, and just live!

Nothing felt right. Swimming felt suffocating, riding felt devious, and running felt clumsy.

And nothing would feel right until I stopped, turned around, and faced the Should’s that had caught up to me.

But first, on Thursday night I let myself dive in and splash around a punch bowl of self-pity, in the form of binging about six to eight episodes of The Office. I love that show. I admire the writing, acting, cinematography, all of it. And every episode makes me laugh, no matter how many times I have seen it. In 2004, I was offered a job to be a production assistant on the Pilot episode. A “Pilot” is a test episode, that if picked up by the network usually becomes the first of the series. There is no doubt about it, if I took that job, my life would be strikingly different today.

Chances are if I took the job, I probably wouldn’t be living in the valley, and Mindy Kaling and I would be besties, but I wouldn’t be married to Marion, I would've never met Hannah, I might be a marathoner, but not an Iron(wo)man, I wouldn’t have completed the quest or book, 35 by 35, and I probably wouldn’t be writing this blog, as I would be too busy writing for an Emmy-winning TV show.:)

However, I didn’t take the job because I had just started working at a company that lended steady employment, a rarity in our finicky business, and I didn’t want to bail on my producer who gave me said job, and who I enjoyed working with. Marion wasn't a factor, I knew him, we were co-workers, but that was months before we started dating. Moreover, I had worked on pilots before, and none of them were ever picked up, so there were no guarantees that I would work beyond the ten day shoot, or that The Office would go on to become one of the most successful TV shows in history, and prove to be a breeding ground for a generation of talent. Nevertheless, while watching those re-runs on Thursday night, I let myself play a wistful game of What if? Which quickly spiraled into the less than enjoyable, What have I done? And then I capped off the evening with the nightmarish, What am I going to do?

All day Friday I was drowning in guilt for devoting all of my time, energy, and resources during every second of 2019 to pursue my “pro card” goal, when I should’ve been trying to find another job, (the one I held from 2015 - 2018 ended in nefarious circumstances that I cannot discuss), but I didn't because I knew if I blinked for a second, if I chose the secure, yet soul-numbing path of succumbing to what I was supposed to do verses what I was meant to do, I would be giving up something much greater, belief.

Not just belief in myself, but belief in everybody else that found a spark within themselves and chose to follow it because I had followed mine.

**Sunday morning I said it out loud, my true life/career goals which Marion recorded so I could hear again if/when I steer off course in the future.**

Therefore, instead of jumping off the dock, or surrendering, I stared down the Should’s when I remembered that my grand plan, my big life goal at the root of my “Pro card pursuit”, is not to be the best, it is to inspire others to be their best, by doing everything possible to be my best.

Celebrating my "Super-Swimmer" friend and teammate Mary Knott's birthday on Saturday by swimming many laps.:)

So, even though on paper 2019 was not a success, if I look at it with a wider lens, it was nearly perfect.

I needed to break down, break open, and break free from the chains of expectations, (Should’s), I had put on myself, that I felt others put on me, (for the last forty years), and realize that none of that mattered, or was real at all; I was always just fine, a success to myself and those I care about, and who care about me, because even when maybe I should have, I never let go of belief.

And I never will.

The song and video choice this week is the new, very interesting video and catchy single from Harry Styles, Adore You. I love it!!