A race doesn’t need to be an excuse to become who you want to be.

I used to believe that races were necessary carrots to keep me motivated. They provided a literal finish line to a timeline for a goal, and allowed me to indulge my passions because there was an actual event to show up for that made it all worthwhile. Even if the race didn’t go well, (they rarely do), I felt like the outcome justified the process. Why else would I be putting myself through such rigorous training? Why else would I stop drinking? Stop staying up late? Stop eating pizza, (even pies of the plant-based variety). What else besides achieving desired race results would justify such obsessive behavior?

“I don’t want to give up on myself.”

Answering "that" question while riding up Mt. Lemmon last Spring with pro triathlete, Alyssa Godesky. Photo courtesy of Lauren and Brent Ellabarger.

All of 2019 I was driven to achieve my “Ultimate Triathlon Goal” of earning my pro card. I was turning forty in the Fall, and figured that milestone birthday would justify one last HUGE push to achieve a goal that had jockeyed its seat around the classroom of my mind for over a decade.

Unfortunately, I was terrorized by the tight timeline. I felt suffocated by guilt to complete it by my birthday, and when that didn’t happen, well that didn’t feel so great. Somewhere along that road toward obsession I drove my physical and mental health into a ditch.

It turns out swimming, biking, and running intensely for 2-8 hours a day, nearly everyday, for over a dozen years can take a toll. But I kept doing it because I was getting better, growing stronger, getting faster, and there was always a race on the horizon to train for, so I kept pushing my limits, until Newton showed up and pushed back. (See what I did there??:)

However, I’ve had many quiet moments on the other side of September, (turning forty), to realize I didn’t set out on my first run to become an Olympian, or sign up for my first Ironman believing I would qualify for Kona that day, rather I listened to my intuition, and chose to explore the part of myself that wanted to improve.

Not giving up on myself was the Ultimate goal.

It still is.

Even though I face fatigue and pain daily, physically and emotionally, I know who I am.

I was built to endure, to embrace adversity rather than avoid it, and although I have no races, or short-term goals of any kind lined-up, I will still continue to push my limits a little further every day.

Physical Therapy session, yesterday. Photo courtesy of Dr. Alanna Grey.

Are you ready, Isaac?

There may not be any “normal” races to line up for in 2020, but there is a FANTASTIC virtual running event that I am participating in, and want to share with ALL of you!! Smashfest Queen is hosting a Mother’s Day race that benefits the charity No Kid Hungry. You can choose to run or walk a 5K, 10K, or Half Marathon. To learn more, and sign up,
CLICK HERE:

Finally, the song and video choice is one of my favorite tunes that I re-discovered this week, Pearl Jam’s, Wishlist.