I am always the thirstiest on Sunday nights. It is the point during the week where I slow down enough to allow every workout I’ve completed, every drop of sweat, pride, and hope I’ve shed the entire week (especially the last thirty-six hours) catches up to me, and the lurking hours of exhaustion on the other side of an empty glass takes my breath away, so I just keep drinking.
I gulp everything I can get my hands on, and lips around. I can’t afford to poke the beast. Its rage is already out of hand, I don’t know how to tame it, and I don’t want to; I gave up on that futile effort years ago. In fact, I want to keep it close, and push it away, but I won’t allow it to drift out of sight. I need it. I know that. I thrive on the discomfort it causes, and the truth is if I ever finally do feel quenched, I haven’t won, I’ve lost.
Moments after finishing my last 18 mile run of the IM Cali build last Sunday.
It’s nearly “Go time!” to dip our toes in the American River. Ironman California is less than a fortnight away, the BIG workouts are done which means now is the delicate window of time to reflect on the work that has been accomplished, and shift focus to the massive lift ahead on race day, 10/24.
I’d love to share that I feel “ready”, that I swam, rode, and ran myself into a indestructible nearly six foot tall shell of physical strength and emotional confidence the last few months, instead I’ll share that I faltered last week, my leg hurt, my head froze, and my desire dried up.
But I didn’t give up.
Instead, I slowed down, inhaled and exhaled deeply, realized and accepted the heavy thump in my head and chest was fatigue disguised as fear, and told the truth that I can handle a lot, but not everything.
Surprisingly, the simple, yet not easy act of admitting I was tired didn’t strip away my strength at all. Actually, it connected me to a genuine power I’d never felt before, but was mighty enough to lift the looming cloud of anxiety shadowing my every move, and clear the path for my soul to shine brightly again.
Just before knocking out my last long interval during my Century ride last Saturday.
I may or may not ever be “ready” to race another Ironman, and sure, I am tired, but I'm also excited, and more importantly, I am thirsty.
I’ll have more to say about pre-race final steps next week, but for now I am going to let it all sink in.
The song and video choice this week features one of my favorite actors of ALL-TIME, Diane Keaton, in the excellent new single from Justin Bieber, “Ghost.” The song is wonderful, but even if you don’t like the Biebs, hit mute, because the video is beautiful. Enjoy.:)