For the first time in my life, I am enjoying the time change back to “Regular Time.” I have been amazed by how the short days and early nightfall's have been energizing rather than depressing. I’ve learned to appreciate the minimal sunlight (even chase if I have to), but then accept the inevitable darkness as a meaningful gift versus a lame party favor. The fact is, embracing rest is incredibly invigorating.
The past few years I feel like I've been tripping over my own feet (or more accurately, my toes) trying to live up to, and then simply trying to catch up to, the ginormous athletic goals I set for myself, and told the world that I set for myself. The consistent letdowns have been grating to say the least, (pneumonia before IM Boulder, torn plantar plate before IM Wisconsin, busted hamstring at the LA marathon, tire blow out/”Heat Dome” experience at Ironman Coeur D’ Alene, the mystery tendon/ligament injury before Ironman California, etc.), but after trying to resolve the issues by burying myself with more training, refusing to admit I needed to step back, feeling equally grateful and guilty to be alive after one of my heroes was not anymore, admitting fatigue felt like the ultimate form of giving up, of quitting life, when in reality living like that was actually stripping it away.
I know there is a mind/body connection, although I do not understand it completely, I believe in it, because all of the random/”not-so” random hiccups I have run into right before BIG races the last few years seem to me now as more consistent than coincidental. I am fairly certain this all boils down to my need for approval (I'm not even in therapy yet) and since being an athlete has been the through line of how I have received approval my entire life (from my parents, siblings, coaches, friends, strangers, etc.) the reality of that chunk of my identity wearing away as I grow older has been devastating. Meanwhile, trying to justify my desire to improve, to compete, and to continue to strive for lofty goals versus settling down and just exercising because I love it, has been hard, painful even, but it wasn’t until after completing the Backbone Bone trail when I finally bumped into a brick wall that I couldn’t bust through.
So, I took a step back.
However, instead of falling into a pit of despair and disappointment, I picked my head up to look around, and like the first time you put on prescription glasses, I could finally see how far I had come. True, I had not done all that I wanted, but I had still done A LOT.
Next, I allowed myself to still want more, but differently than before.
I took time to map out a full year of racing and other challenging “events” each having their own specific meaning to pursuing my purpose, which is this, sharing my passion and experience with life through endurance adventures.
Being humbled privately is tough, pointing out countless situations that have humbled you is excruciating, but powerful. The primal sense of exhaustion is not a state many people choose to endure, or choose to share, but I crave it all.
I believe we can learn and grow so much more by running toward our fears versus backing away from them, by sharing our vulnerabilities versus clamming up, by lifting each other up instead of pushing each other down, by acknowledging instead of ignoring each other, because by sharing our experiences we can thrive individually, and inspire each other to go even further. And so on, and so on, forever and ever, the cycle continues.
Finishing up a run last Sunday in La Quinta, CA after cheering on and taking photos of the racers at Ironman, Indian Wells, 70.3
Naturally, I am counting down the days until “Daylight Saving” time kicks in again on March 13th, 2022, but admittedly the long restful stretches of darkness this time of year have felt like a hug from the universe I definitely needed, but didn’t know I wanted, until I was hugging it right back.
The song and video choice this week is a possible repeat, BUT it always brings back wonderful memories of this time of year, and it is simply one of the greatest songs of ALL time. ENJOY.