I shared a lot in my post last week. I try to be open every week, but last week’s post felt like I had taken the hinges off of every door in my house, and then took a nap. What I discovered is that I want to appreciate the present moment, but I can very easily get caught up in the past, (all that I have achieved, and haven't), and then also get caught up in the future, (what I want to achieve, and how or even if it is possible to do all of it, or any of it at all). That cycle of self-doubt feels like being stuck on a Ferris wheel, where all I can think about is reaching the top, and getting off at the bottom, but not enjoying the view, or lift and drop in between.
When I wrote those words last week, I was tired, frustrated, and frustrated that I was tired. Historically, I have handled heavy training loads well, but that first blast of the LA Marathon block knocked the wind out of me; I started the week excited, and ended it ashamed.
I struggled to justify why I had made certain life choices, but the answer for not pursuing a career in directing and screenwriting when I was in my early twenties is simple, survival. I needed to pay my rent.
Also, I knew too much.
I knew how the system worked, how a producer won’t read a script unless it is submitted by an agent, but a writer needs to complete a script in order to pitch to agents, all the while earning zero dollars, and it is tough to live on zero dollars, unless that was my sole and only focus, but it wasn’t.
I didn’t want to spend most hours of the day writing and hustling my work around Hollywood, and the other hours working odd jobs to keep that machine going, I also wanted to run. But, not just run a few miles every day, I was a marathon runner, and wanted to be a better marathon runner. So, if I am honest with myself, I chose running over Hollywood, but not storytelling.
Watching the movie, "Downhill" with Marion last Sunday night.
I was so deflated last week after that failed Sunday run workout, and caught up in the glitz of the Oscars to notice, and certainly not appreciate, that I have combined my love for running, triathlon, and storytelling for years through my blog, book, poems, social media posts, coaching, and everyday interest in learning more about endurance by pursuing it in everyday life, and competitions.
The fact is, there are many platforms today, (and more will pop up tomorrow), to create and share stories.
Would it be cool to have a seven or eight figure budget and top-notch crew to shoot a screenplay I wrote, or someone else's story I want to follow and share, YES!!! But, it’s also an amazing feeling to know that a book exists in the world that I wrote, published, and that people can read, pass along, or possibly buy for their friends that might inspire someone to run a marathon, or start to run at all, and that is priceless.
I wish that I was strong enough to maintain that perspective all the time, but as last week’s post demonstrated, my attention drifts, and I lose sight of it on occasion, especially when I’m exhausted. However, I am very grateful to have a support system to help me bring my focus back in line when I do get hard on myself, because I am certain I will have down days like that again, I am too passionate and competitive not to experience highs and lows, but knowing how, and who to turn to when I do is a massive step in the right direction.
The reality is that being a writer and athlete both matter to me, so I will make time for both, and maybe the ultimate life balance isn’t feeling rested, or satisfied, but somewhere in between feeling exhausted and invigorated?
I'm not sure, but I do know there are many more stories I want to live and tell.
Last Thursday after a tough and terrific run.
The song and video choice this week is one of my all time favorites from the 90’s R&B sensation, 112, Only You.